It seems that wedding vows these days are becoming more and more creative and less and less binding. Traditional vows go something like this.

“Do you promise to love, comfort, honour and keep her for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, as long as you both shall live?”

 At which time is followed by the only correct response as quoted by Ned Flanders, “You can bet your bottom diddly-iddly-dollar I do.” Or rather, “I do.” But what result does this vow or promise have on your day-to-day married life?  What exactly does it mean to love, comfort, honour, and keep someone? Does it mean to make sure that you buy them flowers every now and then? Or does it mean to die to your ‘self’ and become a part of a joint venture, collaboration or alliance? Did you know that on a purely scientific basis the breaking strain of a two stranded rope is much higher than simply twice the breaking strain of the individual strands? Now someone asked me once about a three or four-stranded rope, but I don’t swing that way and I think the analogy ends there!

If you divide two by two (that is, sacrifice your own desires and needs) you get one. On the other hand if you divide two by one (that is, continue to place your own wants and desires at a higher priority than your partner’s) you still get two. If you don’t divide by, you WILL be divided by. By that I mean, if you don’t become one, you will forever and eternally stay two. A successful marriage cannot exist, physically cannot happen, in a situation where there are two separate individuals with their own agendas. Now that doesn’t mean that you can’t want things for yourself; you can still have that covert block of Cadburys Fruit and Nut secreted away behind the eggplants where you know she’ll NEVER find them. (By the way, the secret to hiding chocolate is to have it in what doesn’t look like an obvious hiding place so if it does get found you can claim ignorance. “I thought you knew it was there... na-aaa... I really told you....serious.... remember when ‘insert real memory here’ happened and I said I’m putting the chocolate under those frozen fish fillets to keep it...umm...‘fresh’?”) But when it comes to the big issues where you can see that something is really important to your partner, maybe you should for once do what they want. Go and see Music and Lyrics instead of Terminator, visit her parents even when you don’t want to, or forgo your weekly pizza binge because she cares about your health. I don’t propose you give in to her every whim, but analyse the reasons behind your actions. If they are simply because you don’t feel like doing something or don’t feel doing it certain way, maybe you should just suck it up, be a man and do it?

I was cleaning out my wallet the other day (no money, of course, but I don’t want the moths to get too comfortable) and came across the laminated copy of my wedding vows I keep in there. Having this topic fresh in my mind I looked back over them and realised that I hadn’t really actually promised anything. Having written them about an hour before I was due to get married (not the best idea I’ve ever had), I don’t believe I was thinking all that clearly. They were full of romantic stuff like, “I love it when you _____ and how you always____”. Pretty much the When Harry Met Sally speech that didn’t actually make any statements about me. I didn’t say that I will put OUR best interests before my own from this day forward and forever work at binding us together into one. So I promptly got down on my knees and corrected my mistake.

It’s so easy to say “I do” to this huge undertaking and not quite realise what exactly we’re agreeing to. It’s like in grade two when your sister tells you to say “Yes”. Okay, you think to yourself, that’s pretty straight forward. “Yes,” you say. “Ha ha!” is the response. “You just agreed that you smell like a donkey’s bum! And not a nice donkey either, one of those ones from Africa where they only get to shower on Tuesdays!” When you get married, this same scenario basically happens all over again, you have no idea what you’re committing to. And how could you? Until you’ve experienced marriage in all its glory and infamy, it’s not possible to know what’s in store for you. But trust me, it’s worth all the pain in the end.  

By Mark Cooper - WHITE magazine's award winning writer!